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How to train your human (joke)

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Marty, Apr 30, 2007.

  1. Marty

    Marty Big Dog

    Human beings are large, clumsy animals with extremely poor night
    vision that make a lot of noise. However, they live in
    weather-proof homes, and are easily trained.

    CHOOSING YOUR HUMAN: Humans don't realize this, but we choose which
    humans to live with, and which ones to avoid. Avoid humans who start
    sneezing when we get close. They are allergic to us. Also avoid
    ones that try and kick us. A good human will bend down and reach
    out to scratch an ear and start saying something stupid like "nice
    kitty kitty." The trick is to get inside the human's home to see if
    they have a suitable environment for one of our superior species.

    GETTING CARRIED AROUND: While walking to one's destination is
    preferable, it is nevertheless fun to be picked up and carried around
    by a human, because this provides a much loftier view of things.
    Female humans are more likely to pick you up. They will try and
    scratch your belly, so arch your back and they will reach under you.
    For some reason, most humans instinctively pick us up at that point.

    GETTING FED ON TIME: Humans are somewhat erratic in their eating
    habits, but this must not be allowed to conflict with our getting
    fed exactly on time every day. Pick a time, usually at 5 in the
    morning, and insist on being fed. Vocalize your hunger, and if
    necessary, wake the human up. Initially, the human will throw you
    outside, thinking you've received a call from Nature. But in a week
    or two they will catch on and get the food out on time.

    GETTING THE RIGHT FOOD: Unfortunately modern humans are inept at
    hunting, thus they purchase all their food. Generally, they buy
    things in cans, bags or boxes to feed us. They should eat this stuff.
    As long as you have an adequate supply of naturally obtained food
    (i.e. tasty little mice) the appropriate training regime is to walk
    up to the bowl of this awful processed food, sniff at it, walk around
    the bowl a few times, and then decamp to your favorite perch for a
    nice little nap. A few days of this, and the human begins to feel
    guilty about you starving. Eventually they will produce something
    moderately edible. If, by chance, something really good turns up,
    make sure you let the human know this is preferred to the dry
    crunchy stuff.

    NAPPING SITES: Human dwellings are just full of nice little places
    to nap, such as window sills, the tops of dressers, inside closets,
    under couches, whatever. Many of these places, however, will
    initially be places the human thinks they have control over. You must
    disabuse them of this territoriality as soon as possible. Typically,
    if the human finds you in a place they think is theirs, they will
    grab you and toss you. An exciting moment of flying through the air.
    Go back. After a while the human will mutter "stupid kitty," and
    leave you alone.

    OTHER CATS: Some humans are excessively fond of our companionship,
    and thus attempt to bring more than one of us into their home.
    Remember, first one inside is king (or queen). Humans don't like the
    sound of our displeasure being voiced at an intruder, but they will
    rarely do anything about it. It is nice to have a few companions
    around, provided the human increases the food supply.

    THE LITTER BOX: Most humans are fairly conscientious about cleaning
    out the litter box with adequate frequency. However, some humans will
    accidentally lock us in a room, or forget to clean the litter box
    often enough. We all know what we do to the human on that occasion,
    don't we.

    GIFTS: Humans don't think they are animals, so they don't understand
    gifts. Don't bother. Keep the mouse for yourself.

    EXPRESSING AFFECTION: The deal is we get a free place to live that
    is dry and warm, and adequate food, in exchange for once in a while
    recognizing the human exists and letting it touch us. Humans like
    to hear us purr, because they think that is our way of saying we're
    happy. They have no idea. Don't get too stand-off-ish as the human
    will not understand, and become anxious. A calm human is a reliable
    human when it comes to dinner.

    NAMING: Humans immediately give us stupid little names. If you don't
    like the name, act deaf. Once they pick a name you like, then respond.
    If the human is really nice to you, and understands our language, then
    tell them your true name.

    CONCLUSION: Humans are much easier to train, then, for example, their
    stupid dogs.
  2. Chiapit

    Chiapit Big Dog

    And this is why I don't have a cat! LOL...That was cute...
  3. Suki

    Suki Little Dog

    we've had a few "flyers" in this house!!!!!![​IMG] ......:eek: !!!!!!
  4. bkhang

    bkhang Puppy


    cute! :)
  5. That was hilarious! :lol: See, I am a cat person, so I can identify w/ all of that & it just makes me laugh. To me, a pit bull is the perfect dog because it is exactly the opposite of a cat - which is what a dog should be, IMHO. :D

    I just realized the op was posted quite a while back - hadn't seen it - still funny.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 2, 2007
  6. Michele

    Michele Chi Super Dog Staff Member Administrator

    good stuff:)

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